we made it.

so, i want to do a post mortem on my day... now that i am home, we've played, eaten, and chase is soundly sleeping (hopefully through the night... 6 hours would be good).

but i need to start with yesterday, because i think the uncertainty of it all was even more overwhelming than today actually turned out to be. i shed more tears than i remember shedding in a very long time. i held my baby close to me, and p consoled and comforted me... reminding me of just how incredibly blessed we are to have each other, to have the support system we do, and just to have so much love. he has been really incredible in all of this. yesterday was a very tough day... i mean, look at this face? i am sure he knew that change was coming...

and last night, he shared with me just how much he actually knew. he woke up twice... at 1:30a to eat, then again at 4:30a to leave me a present. but then, it woke him up when i changed him, so he had a very tough time going back to sleep. another present... up the back (yes, it was a gigantic mess) and we finally went back to sleep for another hour from 6-7am. so, i am a bit sleepless... but i was surprisingly calm about it all. although, i did have to try every trick in the book just to get him to go back to sleep. hopefully this pattern does not repeat itself, and we are able to settle back into a rhythm quickly...

getting ready in the morning wasn't terrible, and fortunately for me... my boys decided to drive me in to work on my first day back. it took just 45 minutes with the carpool lane, which also meant an extra hour together... and the absence of a long, lonely car ride in. i loved it and it really made the day start off much easier. but i wanted to return the favor too... so i recorded this video for baby chase before his day started.

i'm putting myself all out there, vulnerable and everything...

we talked several times thoughout the day to check in... make sure he was eating and just for my sanity. and all in it was a VERY good day. i only cried for the first 15 minutes at work, although my heart still ached throughout the day. my babies were just fine. gma fong took chase on a couple of very long walks and spent some good time watching chase. they played together, he took a couple of bottles... and i got to come home to a very happy baby. isn't he just the cutest?!?!

and tomorrow is another day. it's another day that i count my blessings, and go back to work for our family. but work will never be or mean the same thing again. and i'm grateful for that life changing perspective shift. thank you to everyone who reached out... through prayers, thoughts, email, texts, phone calls and comments. it's because of you guys... that i continue to be reminded every day that it will get easier and that everything will work out as intended. thank you. time to try and catch some zzzz's...