so?

it's 9:30pm on friday evening... and it's time to reflect on the past week. what did it feel like? and, now what?

sunday morning was awful. i was just having a hard time with everything... the emotions were overflowing... but it also allowed p and i to have some really great conversation about what matters. and i think that allowed us to reconnect and recommit in a way that we've overlooked in the past few months. we decided they would drive me in to work the next day. this way, i would have another 45 minutes with them in the morning... and it would ease the pain of being gone SOOOO long. and i lost it in the car saying good bye. and i wasn't quite as composed as i wanted to be when i got to my desk. so i didn't sit down right away... i walked over to a really good friend who gave me encouragement and support and empathized with my situation in a way that only another mother could. thanks t... and i got through it. i got through it, including all the motherly stuff that i had to do throughout the day. i didn't break down in front of my boss, and i think i powered through as best i could. but when the clock got the slightest bit close to 4:30pm (the time my boss and i agreed i would leave each day this week)... i was packing up and rushing out the door to catch the shuttle, to catch the train, to meet my boys on the other side. and i've never wanted just to be home - so badly in my entire life.

and it was like that every day after - except for the driving in part. but i did shed tears each time i had to leave them... and for some reason, i had a tougher time saying goodbye to chase when he was in my arms. maybe it was his smell, his touch, and that closeness that made it even more difficult... so i learned i can't let that linger too long in the mornings. even though i wish it could last all day.

i drove in tuesday, bart-ed in wednesday and thursday. and basically we've decided that bart, when the boys drop me off and pick me up... is actually the shortest time away from them. because the ride in is only 32 minutes, plus the shuttle to and from work. not bad.

today didn't go quite as smoothly as i had hoped. on my way in... driving on the freeway, i noticed the car starting to overheat around the same time as the check engine light came on. YIKES... so i made my way over to the slow lane and thankfully exited the freeway and found my way to a safe spot in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy. and count my blessings, i went into the CVS to ask the manager about leaving the car there and he said it was fine... but the most incredible thing was that there was a park and ride RIGHT across the street from the CVS. so, i can only chalk that up to divine intervention. he took what could have been a really disasterous situation (being stuck on the freeway, on the shoulder, on the left side of the road...stranded...) and turned it into an opportunity for me to be resourceful and rely on others for help. so i called p, responded to a text from my dad (who told my mom of the situation) and next thing i knew... my mom was on the way to the house to watch chase, while p took care of the car situation. it definitely threw me off a bit, but i realize that we are in a very, very fortunate situation.

i'm really, really tired. and i should probably be sleeping, because chase is already in bed. but i'm not sleepy tired. it was an emotional and emotionally draining week for all of us this week, but i don't think it was as hard as any of us could have anticipated. thanks mom for coming up to watch chase... it's working out very well.

next week, i'll work from home monday and take friday off. the following week is labor day and my boss is taking an extra day of vacation. so i have a couple more weeks to work on the transition. which is great. but the days will only get longer, and i know i'll never get used to leaving... ever.