week 19

birth marks

he's got two. one on his left shoulder, and another one just under his arm... he wasn't quite sure what i was getting at, so in the first shot i got "the look".

like son?

hey... what are you guys doing down there? looks like baby chase is getting quite comfortable laying on his daddy. and surprisingly enough, he laid there without squirming for at least 10 minutes...

which allowed us to have a little fun...

usually... it's "like father". but this time, it was definitely the other way around.

this is what i get to come home to every day... and it's amazing!

a quick clip

so we thought we were trying to take a picture, but then realized the camera setting was on video. it's a really quick clip, but way too cute not to post.

the snoedel (pronounced "snoodle")

so... i was doing some research about bonding, and mothers who have to go back to work. and in all of my crazy searching (yes, i said crazy again), i found this thing called a snoedel. and it was originally used as a sleep and bonding aid in hospitals for preemies, but of course... we are a consumer/commercial society and there was good money to be made here...

http://www.snoedel.com/Home-Family-Uses.aspx

it looks a little like a sock doll, with a knobby head, a small blanket part and some teething knots at two of the corners. the head is stuffed with natural fibers that retain the mother (or father's) scent, which is slowly released to help calm the baby. so far, i've used it to help him sleep after the first feeding when i put him down in the cradle as well as in the morning when he goes back to sleep for his first nap.

he's sleeping longer these days, so i think it might be working. but then again, he's also getting older too... so perhaps a combination. i'm also hoping this will help calm and relax him while i'm away all day at work.

i have to say, he looks like such a sweet angel in this photo.

so?

it's 9:30pm on friday evening... and it's time to reflect on the past week. what did it feel like? and, now what?

sunday morning was awful. i was just having a hard time with everything... the emotions were overflowing... but it also allowed p and i to have some really great conversation about what matters. and i think that allowed us to reconnect and recommit in a way that we've overlooked in the past few months. we decided they would drive me in to work the next day. this way, i would have another 45 minutes with them in the morning... and it would ease the pain of being gone SOOOO long. and i lost it in the car saying good bye. and i wasn't quite as composed as i wanted to be when i got to my desk. so i didn't sit down right away... i walked over to a really good friend who gave me encouragement and support and empathized with my situation in a way that only another mother could. thanks t... and i got through it. i got through it, including all the motherly stuff that i had to do throughout the day. i didn't break down in front of my boss, and i think i powered through as best i could. but when the clock got the slightest bit close to 4:30pm (the time my boss and i agreed i would leave each day this week)... i was packing up and rushing out the door to catch the shuttle, to catch the train, to meet my boys on the other side. and i've never wanted just to be home - so badly in my entire life.

and it was like that every day after - except for the driving in part. but i did shed tears each time i had to leave them... and for some reason, i had a tougher time saying goodbye to chase when he was in my arms. maybe it was his smell, his touch, and that closeness that made it even more difficult... so i learned i can't let that linger too long in the mornings. even though i wish it could last all day.

i drove in tuesday, bart-ed in wednesday and thursday. and basically we've decided that bart, when the boys drop me off and pick me up... is actually the shortest time away from them. because the ride in is only 32 minutes, plus the shuttle to and from work. not bad.

today didn't go quite as smoothly as i had hoped. on my way in... driving on the freeway, i noticed the car starting to overheat around the same time as the check engine light came on. YIKES... so i made my way over to the slow lane and thankfully exited the freeway and found my way to a safe spot in the parking lot of CVS pharmacy. and count my blessings, i went into the CVS to ask the manager about leaving the car there and he said it was fine... but the most incredible thing was that there was a park and ride RIGHT across the street from the CVS. so, i can only chalk that up to divine intervention. he took what could have been a really disasterous situation (being stuck on the freeway, on the shoulder, on the left side of the road...stranded...) and turned it into an opportunity for me to be resourceful and rely on others for help. so i called p, responded to a text from my dad (who told my mom of the situation) and next thing i knew... my mom was on the way to the house to watch chase, while p took care of the car situation. it definitely threw me off a bit, but i realize that we are in a very, very fortunate situation.

i'm really, really tired. and i should probably be sleeping, because chase is already in bed. but i'm not sleepy tired. it was an emotional and emotionally draining week for all of us this week, but i don't think it was as hard as any of us could have anticipated. thanks mom for coming up to watch chase... it's working out very well.

next week, i'll work from home monday and take friday off. the following week is labor day and my boss is taking an extra day of vacation. so i have a couple more weeks to work on the transition. which is great. but the days will only get longer, and i know i'll never get used to leaving... ever.

crazy hair

so... it's gone from being a faux hawk... to being three really funny/long patches of hair on his head. he's got one in the front... curly, charlie brown style... one in the back that sticks up like alfalfa... and then of course the baby mullet.

he had a little cradle cap, so i'm thinking that as the skin changed... maybe the patch of hair in the middle also fell out? dunno... hope it doesn't stay this way through his childhood years.

wakin' up isn't so bad

so, we've graduated to sleeping in the crib for the first 5-6 hours of the night, and when he wakes up for his middle of the night feeding... he goes into the cradle by our bed. he looks a little big for the cradle in this shot, but it must be the angle... because he still has some room to grow.

but the reason for the post is two fold... first of all, i've just been watching him sleep in the mornings. it's bitter sweet for sure, because i really want to wake him up and play with him knowing that i won't have the time in the mornings or during the day to hang out any more.

and then i wanted to share some of his happy wake up pictures. this first shot i think he was a little surprised by the flash... but...

check out the grin :)

wouldn't you want to wake him up for this too?!

rollin' rollin' rollin'

he's on the loose now... gotta watch out for this one!

swattin' toys

even the little things are cool... like swatting at the toys overhead...

ready for lift off...

he LOVED playing this game with uncle j.

we're just wondering how sore the arms are feeling...

drool monster

we've had to put drool bibs on him for the last couple of weeks... otherwise the front of his clothes are soaked in the first hour he has them on. and from the looks of the pictures, teething has begun...

and it's crazy because in this shot, it looks like he has teeth already! not yet... but i don't think we're far off.

we made it.

so, i want to do a post mortem on my day... now that i am home, we've played, eaten, and chase is soundly sleeping (hopefully through the night... 6 hours would be good).

but i need to start with yesterday, because i think the uncertainty of it all was even more overwhelming than today actually turned out to be. i shed more tears than i remember shedding in a very long time. i held my baby close to me, and p consoled and comforted me... reminding me of just how incredibly blessed we are to have each other, to have the support system we do, and just to have so much love. he has been really incredible in all of this. yesterday was a very tough day... i mean, look at this face? i am sure he knew that change was coming...

and last night, he shared with me just how much he actually knew. he woke up twice... at 1:30a to eat, then again at 4:30a to leave me a present. but then, it woke him up when i changed him, so he had a very tough time going back to sleep. another present... up the back (yes, it was a gigantic mess) and we finally went back to sleep for another hour from 6-7am. so, i am a bit sleepless... but i was surprisingly calm about it all. although, i did have to try every trick in the book just to get him to go back to sleep. hopefully this pattern does not repeat itself, and we are able to settle back into a rhythm quickly...

getting ready in the morning wasn't terrible, and fortunately for me... my boys decided to drive me in to work on my first day back. it took just 45 minutes with the carpool lane, which also meant an extra hour together... and the absence of a long, lonely car ride in. i loved it and it really made the day start off much easier. but i wanted to return the favor too... so i recorded this video for baby chase before his day started.

i'm putting myself all out there, vulnerable and everything...

we talked several times thoughout the day to check in... make sure he was eating and just for my sanity. and all in it was a VERY good day. i only cried for the first 15 minutes at work, although my heart still ached throughout the day. my babies were just fine. gma fong took chase on a couple of very long walks and spent some good time watching chase. they played together, he took a couple of bottles... and i got to come home to a very happy baby. isn't he just the cutest?!?!

and tomorrow is another day. it's another day that i count my blessings, and go back to work for our family. but work will never be or mean the same thing again. and i'm grateful for that life changing perspective shift. thank you to everyone who reached out... through prayers, thoughts, email, texts, phone calls and comments. it's because of you guys... that i continue to be reminded every day that it will get easier and that everything will work out as intended. thank you. time to try and catch some zzzz's...

week 18

my first day back at work... reflections on the past 4 months

i never could have imagined how life changing, perspective altering, and absolutely gratifying the experience of parenting has been. and these past four months of dedicated and focused time on our family and on chase, have been some of the best months, times and moments ever. i've been contemplating this day for quite some time now (it really started to hit me that i had to go back to work at the two month mark, when i realized i was counting down the days of my leave vs. counting up). i've shed many tears, i've been pretty emotional over the last few weeks, and i'm still not sure how it's all going to work out.

i've heard some people make a very easy transition back, because they were ready to return to "life" and work. i've heard others have cried for weeks trying to reconcile work as a requirement and the anguish of having to leave your little one each and every day. i have fallen into the latter category... though not surprising, the degree to which i am feeling the emotions is very surprising. i don't know. i guess i didn't realize it would change me THIS much.

but my boss has been extremely understanding up to this point, trying to reassure me that the hours and workload are realistic and workable. i have my reservations, but we're going to give it a go. most days before, i wouldn't get home until 7:30/8pm. but that's certainly not acceptable anymore. so we've agreed that i will be in the office from roughly 8:30a-5:15/5:30p, so i can be home by 6:30 or so. and if chase continues to go to sleep around 9p at least for a few more months, it'll allow me to have a couple of great hours with him in the evening in addition to the hour we get in the morning.

i pray for chase - that one day he understands why i have to go back to work, even though he has no clue now and i know he won't remember. i pray for p - that he have the strength to balance both childcare and running his own business. and i pray for gma fongo - that she have the patience to withstand his crying, the restraint not to spoil him too much, and the stamina to go the distance :).

there is a lot of love and support, and i am not the first or the last. but for me... it feels a little gut wrenching...

ode to the summer of 2009

there have been some really great moments in our lives, but i would have to say that these past four months have had to have been some of the most wonderful and exciting of our lives. don't get me wrong though, there have been tougher times too - due to the fact that our entire lives have changed and we're still running on about 6-8 broken hours of sleep per night :). but both p and i feel tremendously blessed to have had this time together as a family. and we had to go out with a bang... so...

on saturday, august 15th - we had celebrated more birthdays for chase's cousins k and mm. it was a tinkerbell theme throughout, from the decor, to the pinata, to the cake and the watermelon. baby chase wanted to wear some new shoes, so here he is in his outfit... oshkosh b'gosh (classic) and his "rockstar shoes".

tai tai was the first to hold him that afternoon...

we had a great time celebrating... and baby chase even scored some cool loot too! he got a wrist rattle (perfect in the car) and some snack crackers. which we hear are best on to eat on bath days...

and check out this pinata... i had never seen one like this where you pull the strings one a time in hopes of unlocking the trap door... pretty sweet!

and the next day, sunday, we hosted our end of summer front door barbecue. yes, i did say front door :). we're still in transition with the backyard, but it worked out perfectly. we had a couple of tables out on our front patio by the grill. a table inside for food and one to dine at, and both were set up right next to our DJ...

baby chase had to sport a new outfit for the occasion. this one is from janie and jack, one of our favorite stores.

and here's a picture of our DJ... he was great. we also had a couple of other people do a mini-set... check out the video at the end of the post. oh, and btw, if you are looking at this picture and you think your eyes are tricking you into thinking that the dj is wearing a baby bjorn with his own "4 month old baby girl" in the picture. they're not. his baby girl was born 4 days after chase (but she was born 9 weeks premature), and fortunately, she is happy, healthy and growing!



thanks to everyone who came and helped us close out our summer in a BIG way.

and we'll bring it all home with a little pm dawn... set a drift...

say... mommy...

like many things - it's a work in progress.

the four month appointment

so, on thursday... we went to the doctor's office for his four month appointment. yes, it was on the actual day - remind us not to do that again. and we left the doctor's office a bit perplexed. and in retrospect, i realize i asked a lot of questions... but not the one question i SHOULD have asked before we left the office. you're wondering what that one was, because you know i went in with an entire list of questions:

1) H1N1 - when, how, recommendation? she wasn't quite sure when the office would be receiving the vaccination, but she thought october and said he would have priority (ok, i'll call in a couple of weeks;

2) he's sort of a snacker, and he's waking up 1-2 times a night still. should we start him on solids at all? no... not yet, let's try and hold off until 6 months. ok... that made sense. but we'll come back to this one.

3) sleep/schedule... related to #2, she said we seemed to be doing ok so far but that by 6 months, he should be sleeping for a longer period than 5-6 hours (but, when i read things... most articles say that a 6 hours stretch IS in fact sleeping through the night, right?!)

4) teething... he's drooling a lot and putting everything into his mouth; well, yes... they are oral explorers but the drool may indicate teething.

OH, i forgot to mention that we didn't get to see our normal nurse practitioner, because she was on vacation this week and they wanted us to go in this week to keep him on the vaccination schedule. SO, we didn't get the most comfortable vibe from her, she just joined this practice, and here's the goods...

below, you will find my make-shift growth chart for the first year. the pictures are cute, if you look at the stats they don't look so bad - UNTIL you look at the percentiles. and, 13 pounds at 4 months isn't so bad - except for the fact that the doctor was a bit concerned that he had dropped off his curve so drastically, dropping nearly 20 percentage points from his previous visit. so... she asked that we go back in two weeks for a weight check. and we talked at length about his snacking habits, how he doesn't really like the bottle, and when he does take the bottle... it's only 2 ounces at a time. oh, and should i mention again that i have to go back to work on monday? so of course, hearing that he is not gaining enough weight is even more cause for anxiety because i know how much he dislikes the bottle and i know how much i dislike pumping!!!

the doctor's recommendation: try to nurse him and supplement with a bottle. ok, but... i'm not an overproducer, so this is a challenge. AND, try to get 4 ounces down in a bottle feeding so he gets more and can go longer in between feedings. also, a challenge because it could take anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes for him to drink 2 ounces up until this point.

so, what are we doing? we're encouraging him to nurse longer, as long as he doesn't start playing, and we have upped the bottle feedings to 3 ounces. which takes forever, but we've gotta do it.

so, by now you've probably forgotten that i mentioned i wanted to ask one more question before i left the office - the one question that could have eased some of the anxiety about his weight gain. and the question would have been around his developmental milestones. because, he seems to be hitting them all on time, if not even a little early: following things with his eyes, swatting at toys, focusing on faces and objects, rolling over (and i think most babies roll front to back first, so i think his little stomach and neck muscles must be really strong), "standing up". she didn't even ask about any of these things, and i offered up that he was already rolling over.

sigh... we go back on sept. 4th for that weight check, and i think i'll call tomorrow to see if we can get the appointment we have with our regular nurse practitioner. it might just make me feel better.

here he is on the ride home, post vaccinations (three shots this time!). i think he wore himself out crying in the office. our baby does not like the doctor's office one bit. but then again, who does?

p.s. he looks strong, chubby, and perfectly healthy to me...

close enough...

here were some videos of him rolling... the day before he successfully made it over his shoulder...

here's another one.

HB to you, HB to you...

today marks the birthdays of two very special people in our lives. we love you and hope you both had a wonderful day.

he's four months old today.

it's quite incredible how much change has happened in the four months from birth to now. i think he's more than doubled his birth weight (6.6... thinking he's about 14 now but we'll find out at the dr.'s this afternoon); he's awake, alert, interactive... smiling, laughing, rolling over. he's developed different kinds of cries for different things - when he's tired, hungry, or when he doesn't like something. and he's just so much fun.

but i think the most incredible change might have come for me and p over the last four months. our lives are changed completely, our perspectives altered forever, and we've developed a love for our son that already runs so deep. we've also had to work on making sure we're always communicating with openness and honesty. because with so much change happening in such a short amount of time, things can be stressful at times. it's brought us together, made us stronger, and reminded us how important our family unit is and should be.

this journey has been such a blessing. and we know it's only just beginning.

watch me pose!

maybe he gets his skills from his tai tai... isn't she cute?

and here he is... showin' off!

see... he likes me.

i'm not sure what it was about the first few meetings with auntie jtp... but she was sure he absolutely didn't like her (btw, she's got two of her own... she's kg and mb's mommy). but this past week, we spent a little time at bay street in emeryville, and he took a likin' to her. she must have been really sweet smelling that day :)

but let's be real, we all know that we like the fun baby stuff almost as much if not more than baby chase does. here they are again executing the perfect airplane.

safety first

we went and had lunch with uj and ac and chase got to borrown cousin l's chair for about 2 minutes. then he decided that he didn't like it... he arched his back and started to cry. so, we'll try it again in a few months, but as always

SAFETY FIRST!

and as some of you know, chase doesn't really do so well in the car/car seat. if he's awake he is usually screamin' at the top of his lungs. i interpret his cries as "mom, you know i hate being strapped into this thing. why are you making me sit back here all alone?!?!". so, when we went to the japanese festival last weekend, we tried to go sans car seat. and he did ok for about 20 minutes. he still prefers the bjorn, but i gotta be hittin' the gym to strengthen my back at the rate he's growing!

week 17... and one more week for me

here's our baby... i am sure going to miss all of the precious time together every day when i go back to work in one week. but i hope to keep up my posting every day... stay tuned for that.

he rolled over.

he made it over the shoulder... back to front, over his right shoulder on saturday, august 15th around 8pm. it was quite an exciting event that c, h and i got to witness first hand. pretty cool :)

and then, when i went to get him from his crib last night at his 3am feeding, he had managed to roll over onto his stomach in his crib too...

we're gonna have to watch out for this one.

p.s. got a video of him this morning after i posted this entry.

little levi's

they're his first pair. and they are definitely not his last! oh and a few other things to note... his due date was May 1st aka 5-01 day (classic levi's) and the paint color of the accent wall in his room is called "denim". i think blue runs in his veins already (and i don't mean the cal bears :)...)

more from our visit with our good friends

our first meeting... aren't they cute, all three of them!!!

we had dinner in sf, at il fornaio. chase was great... he slept the entire meal (as usual - if he's even just the slightest bit tired, the combination of the hat, binkie and bjorn puts him right to sleep). we are still hoping he gets used to sitting in the car seat though.


and the next day, the girls came over to play for a while. they were wonderful with him. you can tell that they have that nurturing, caring instict. it was evident from the moment they met chase... and it was such a special time. he just laid there and stared up at cousin c.

and she almost coaxed him to get over that shoulder. almost.

we got it.

i don't know what it was that made me agonize over buying an interlocking foam playmat... was it the fact that i didn't want small parts for him to choke on and swallow, was it because i wanted flame retardant material, was it that i couldn't decided on whether to get just colors or letters and numbers, or maybe it was the size of the tiles or the thickness? well... i think it was probably all of the above. so what is it about motherhood that makes us so crazy like this?! must be the ultimate love for a child. but finally, after weeks of online searching, we ordered this one from onestepahead.com and it just arrived last week. we love it, and it will actually replace the rug and coffee table in our "family room" area. it's the perfect size 6ftx6ft. however, if you know me... you'll also note that one of these things is not like the other. but it wasn't a deal breaker.

there's plenty of room for him to grow...

and i see lots of this in the future :)

hey bro'

aka: chase's uncles...