love all around.

i can't do justice to my ngng with words. we loved her so much, and she gave that love back to us times 100. no... maybe it was times 1000+++. it's still fresh, so i'm having difficulty dealing with the rawness of the emotion - while balancing this with the fact that i know she is dancing and smiling down upon us from heaven. she is in a fantastic place of celebration, but our human-ness requires us to grieve. and in my overly hormonal life place, the emotions are magnified. they might even be magnified as much as the deepness of the love that i feel in my heart for her.

i know this is vulnerable. but writing is cathartic to me. and since im sitting here, in the dark, by myself (sort of by myself but not really because i'm never alone these days). i want to write, so i don't forget.

maybe you don't want or need to continue reading this one, but i'll leave that one up to you.

it's important for me to share this... because if you have been following my life journey for at least 7 or 8 months now - you will know that this has been a significant part of that journey. remember how this all started off? it started off with my ngng spilling the beans to my lil' brother and sister. remember? and along the way, she would remember and then she might forget (because the visible signs of my baby bearing didn't really manifest themselves until the last few months. or at least that's how it seems to me). but then... THEN when she knew - she would brighten up when i walked in the room. (side note - i've always been a bit secretly jealous of the fact that she would ALWAYS recognize and say p's name when we went to visit. and she'd ask if he was at work when i'd visit on my own). but when the bump started growing, and she connected with little baby c... she would rub my belly for as long as i would stand close enough for her to feel him. and over and over she would tell me "God bless you" and how HAPPY she was.

about four weeks ago, she told me not to work so hard and to make sure i was eating good. and i told her that i wanted her to eat good too... because i SO wanted her to hang on. just hang on a few more weeks.

my grandmother and i, most of us actually, had a language barrier. her english was "not so good" and my chinese is even worse. but there's always been a common understanding of faith, love and family. and it's that understanding and that bond that i will carry with me and share with baby c when he is born. it is built in to who we are, and passed down along generations of family... the values, the culture, the support, and the love.

i've been very fortunate in my life thus far, not having to deal with this part of life much at all. i have memories of my grandfather... yehyeh, but i didn't have the maturity to understand the importance of my grandparents at that time. i wish i had, but that's probably just part of the cycle of life. i never took them for granted, but i never appreciated them then - in the same way that i do now.

so the fact that she walked down the aisle at our wedding, and she embraced p "like a good chinese boy" (yes, she really did say that he was just like a chinese boy) warms my heart. the memories i have of visiting the house in el cerrito, sponge cake, that bouncing bird that hung from the ceiling in my dad's room when he was little, b sweeping the kitchen, quarters for parking or laundry, weekends in chinatown for lunch when they moved to the condo (king wah - we'll always remember you even if you are closing in 3 months), being in the hospital with my dad when my ngng had surgery to drain her lung and praying that she would fight. well... she did... she fought a great fight, she lived an incredible life of 94 years, and she leaves behind a beautiful legacy to survive her. we are strong in numbers, we are strong in spirit and we are going to continue to see her in so many of the things we do every day. because she is a part of us always.

ngng, i love you very much.

have to p.s. this one, since i wrote everything above on thursday, march 19th. and today, we had a beautiful service to remember her life, celebrate her spirit, and lay her earthly body to rest. the grieving will continue, but this chapter will close. and there will be moments that i will carry with me: my dad - sharing the story about ngng rubbing my belly, eric - and the walk to the elevator, laura - and picking her walker up at the curb. i will remember the feeling of love, tempered by the tears of sorrow. and i will carry ngng's memory in my heart... until the time we get to see each other again.